2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
