i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
