I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
two words: eviction party
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
