Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
