Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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