I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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