So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
