I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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