he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
