If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
