Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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