2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
