come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
