nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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