if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
