I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
mondays should just be called national damage control day
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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