I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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