saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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