Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
