mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
