This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Randomize
