She is in my trunk
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
