Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
