Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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