The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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