it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
