You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
