I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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