Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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