very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i drank out of a bidet.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
