I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
