God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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