im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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