I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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