You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
