remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
