We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
