If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
