I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
