oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
