i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
