Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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