tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
