I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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