No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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