I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
