I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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