when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Randomize
