yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
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