Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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