Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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