i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
