we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
