I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize