Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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