Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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