if i can run in heels then i can drive
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We had to coat check the pizza.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
