my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
