Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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