Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
