I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
tell me about the eggs
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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