you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
