my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
