Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
