You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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