I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
