That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Sext me about skeletons
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
