i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
