I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
