I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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