I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Randomize
