weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
