Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
